I was blessed with three boys. Eric, Anthony (T.J.) and Ryan.
T.J. took his own life 6/4/13. It is still surreal to write or speak those words. Breathing was hard. Being was hard. Everything was hard. My life dissolved into questions. How can he be gone? Why didn't he call me or anyone? What happened to make him think it was all too much? How do I keep on breathing? Why didn't I call him that day? Why didn't I go by there and take him his favorites from Burger King as I'd done before?
DO I WANT TO BE HERE IN THIS WORLD IF HE IS NOT?
I haven't gone through the 5 stages of grief. Yes I did denial. It couldn't be. Someone had obviously made a mistake. He's not really gone.
I don't understand how I could have bargained. He was already gone. I had nothing to bargain with.
I still haven't dealt with anger. I'm not angry at T.J. or at God. I don't know if I'll ever go through anger.
I'm deep into depression. I believe depression will be with me a long time.
Then there is acceptance. I have no other choice. He's gone and I can't change it.
But in all of this pain there was family. Most of all there is GOD. I knew He was there and I knew He loved me. We were surrounded by love. In that love a little tiny bit of hope and healing began to emerge.
My husband and my two other boys needed me and I needed them. My grandchildren needed me and I needed them. Love poured in. I began to weave a few of the threads.
Nine months ago today my life became threads. Threads of life that are now blended with grief and sorrow, pain and longing and long days and nights. Little by little I am trying to weave them into a new life. I will never be the same tapestry I was before. I hope to keep some of the parts of me that made me who I am in this world but there will now be new threads that have to be woven in slowly. God is helping me weave.
T.J. took his own life 6/4/13. It is still surreal to write or speak those words. Breathing was hard. Being was hard. Everything was hard. My life dissolved into questions. How can he be gone? Why didn't he call me or anyone? What happened to make him think it was all too much? How do I keep on breathing? Why didn't I call him that day? Why didn't I go by there and take him his favorites from Burger King as I'd done before?
DO I WANT TO BE HERE IN THIS WORLD IF HE IS NOT?
I haven't gone through the 5 stages of grief. Yes I did denial. It couldn't be. Someone had obviously made a mistake. He's not really gone.
I don't understand how I could have bargained. He was already gone. I had nothing to bargain with.
I still haven't dealt with anger. I'm not angry at T.J. or at God. I don't know if I'll ever go through anger.
I'm deep into depression. I believe depression will be with me a long time.
Then there is acceptance. I have no other choice. He's gone and I can't change it.
But in all of this pain there was family. Most of all there is GOD. I knew He was there and I knew He loved me. We were surrounded by love. In that love a little tiny bit of hope and healing began to emerge.
My husband and my two other boys needed me and I needed them. My grandchildren needed me and I needed them. Love poured in. I began to weave a few of the threads.
Nine months ago today my life became threads. Threads of life that are now blended with grief and sorrow, pain and longing and long days and nights. Little by little I am trying to weave them into a new life. I will never be the same tapestry I was before. I hope to keep some of the parts of me that made me who I am in this world but there will now be new threads that have to be woven in slowly. God is helping me weave.
I love you Aunt Jo Ann. The image of feeling like undone threads that are weaved back together over time is very, very beautiful, and very true.
ReplyDeleteWell written, Jo. I love you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Stephen. Your encouragement means a lot to me.
ReplyDeleteMardy you were so instrumental in starting the first threads. I love you both